Surviving to Live

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Porto_abandoned_alley.jpg

Nearly every morning before I go to school I stop at the local gas station and get a cup of coffee and a breakfast something. Every so often theres an older man sitting on the sidewalk, up against the building wearing the same black hat with a styrofoam cup next to his leg and his bike placed off to the side. I’m like 90% certain hes homeless, if not then he has a very unique preference to spend his early mornings. He always smiles and nods his head bidding me good morning, and when I come back to my car to leave he wishes me a good day. He kinda looks like George Carlin, but you know, less polished. I wish I could tell you that I’ve offered this kind man something warm to drink, or a quick bite to eat but I regret saying I haven’t. This morning I turned into the lot with a few extra dollars ready for it, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. There are no obvious patterns to his attendance, hes just there.

On my way home this afternoon after class I nearly hit a man scurrying across the freeway exit. Its a sharp turn. Anyway, I stopped and he waved as he crossed, and in doing so I noticed in his other hand he was a carrying one of those bright red gas containers. I pulled off to the side of the road, and let him hop in. Obviously he needed up the street for gas and since I was headed that way I thought the only logical thing to do was to give this poor man a lift. He looked like he was going through hell, and to add to my assumption, I haven’t seen a more sweaty man in all my life I’m sure of it. Despite the copious amount of water he was losing, he was so grateful. I couldn’t tell you how many times he thanked me. For something so simple. This complete stranger, all he needed was a little generosity. We made small talk and I drove him back to the end of the street before the freeway after he got some gas and that was that. It took 5 minutes out of my way but he was so happy I had done it.

Where is the line between “expectation” and “grateful”?

If you go down the right side of the street at the fork in the road just before my house you end up in a different world. You know that phrase “wrong side of the tracks”? Something like that, but these really aren’t bad people. Just off their feet for whatever reason, and honestly, its not my place to judge, nor is it yours. Torn up campers and cars for as far as the eye can see squeezed tightly between the dirt road and the rail road tracks. Some are there because they have no choice, some are there because they made some bad choices, some are there because they think thats all there is in life for them. They have figured out how to survive in a world where the more the merrier the the status quo.

Where is the line between surviving and living?

When you live simply to see the new sun shine on your face, are you living? If you live with the goal of only getting more for tomorrow, are you living? Today didn’t necessarily put anything into perspective for me but brightened my already existing points of view. Pictures I wish more people saw. My grandpa works pretty hard to show me that theres more to the world than just our tiny little lives and hes done a very good job of it over the last 12 years or so. That man definitely inspires a portion of my actions. The day definitely would have been as colorful without him.

 

2011
03/04
CATEGORY
Its Hereditary
Reality
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Generation:Jerk

I was always under the impression that arrogance was an undesirable trait to possess. My grandparents taught me to be considerate and always place the needs of others in front of your own when your own are not urgent. Yet, I’ve come across a growing number of arrogant, self centered, immature human beings, and whats the cherry on top of this melting ice cream is that confronting these particular individuals only amplifies these “quirks”. Why?

Since when was it ok to be rude to someone simply because you had the power to do so? Since when is extending your hand to someone in need frowned upon? You can’t win in modern society anymore! Either you have to be a jerk to repel the even bigger jerks or you have to be consistently reserved with an open heart. Even then you’re screwed because your shunned entirely by the other category of individuals. So really the only way to solve the problem is to find the happy middle personality. Which I assume would consist of you being able to pick on an inappropriate comment or erupt attack on you without it actually happening so you don’t seem like the jerk in the end as well as offering help or interest to who ever seems to need it without coming off as though you have nothing better to do then send them quick uplifting comments which somehow always end up getting interpreted as insulting.

How exhausting!

Please don’t waste our time and raise your hand declaring you are that happy middle, you have achieved success with the human race because really how do you know until you’ve been burned and by then it doesn’t matter anymore because everything you’ve said will have then been obliterated. “Just let it go” “Don’t worry about them, worry about yourself” “Be your own person” I know I’m forgetting the other Hallmark card sayings, we’ve all heard them from some older, wiser person like our moms or whatever but when you’ve been insulted by someone no amount of cheesy one liners can help you in some cases. I think thats why I like college so much. When someone says something rude or ridiculous we are free to retaliate, well to varying degrees. I’m not saying go slash some assholes tires because he said something absurd to you in English. Pff because thats just crazy donchano?

Theres always that person who thinks their funny by making fun of someone who is older than they are. You know the something-teen, or whats even worse, the twenty-something, who thinks that saying something about the pace of older gentleman walking down the stairs  or the elder ladies taking their time moving away from the counter, is just so hilarious. You’re not funny. You’re an asshole and I hope you never have kids and die alone. Anyway, it’s always the older generation who remind us youngin’s to stop being so rude and reckless but does anyone ever listen? Nooooooooo. Why? Aren’t you supposed to learn from your mistakes? For those who have already made your stupid mistakes? But now its like the more crude, lude, and rude you are the more content with yourself you are.

This is a cultural mystery to me.

I know plenty of decent, outstanding citizens and this is obviously not for you.

2011
03/02
CATEGORY
Reality
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Look Both Ways

http://www.fugly.com/pictures/19202/unexpected_passenger.html

Theres this saying floating around the human race that goes something like “expect the unexpected”. The older I get, the more I understand it, and the more complicated it seems. Ok, ok, be prepared because who knows what will be thrown your way. Soo….when something unexpected does occur are you an idiot because you didn’t plan for it? I’m stumped and in all actuality the literal definition probably doesn’t matter much anyway.

But something brought it to my attention, obviously. When you get it in your head that a person has a particular personality, has specific mannerisms, defense mechanisms, you don’t expect them to venture outside those traits. Especially a person you’ve known for quite some time. Though, in regards to this individual, I’ve never been able to pinpoint the personality because it seems to morph before my very eyes. I expected the unexpected when it came to a certain cluster of events should they come to our attention. Most of the things that took place in their world I ignored, I didn’t really think about, I let it be addressed in the casual conversation over coffee and that was that. Not because I didn’t care but because I had simply become programed to not let it get the best of me since it was likely in a matter of days the event wouldn’t hold the same value. Maybe I should have seen it coming…..maybe I should have done more to prevent it….maybe I should have worked harder….maybe I should have been less reserved, less nonchalant about it…..maybe there was nothing I could do even if I was as prepared as I could be…..

Thats an awful lot to take into consideration.

So here I am [and with my luck I'm probably reading way too much into it all] without any idea as to what to do next. It’s thee most passive aggressive relationship I’ve ever had with anyone ever. I’m not placing all that on them either, I am definitely guilty of it as well. Frankly, it all comes down to the situation sucking massively.

Awkward is a good word to use.

Normally, if this was being explained to me by someone else I’d either tell them a) get the hell over it, its not the end of the world or b) if it means that much to you, talk to the person in question, it doesn’t have to be a 10 page analysis of the situation but let them know this is significant to you. And that would be that. They’d have the reigns from then on. I don’t have good people skills. At all. Don’t listen to my people advice. Its all crap. Really. Its cold and impersonal. It won’t get you anywhere, I mean come on, look at me. I have like 4 friends and I regularly speak to maybe 8 relatives.  When it comes to social interaction I’m way at the bottom of the food chain, it just isn’t my thing apparently.

If this were anyone else, I would probably let it roll off my back and not care at the end of the day. But this really really hurts. People like to throw comments out on the table for me as if they did it simply to see how I react, regardless of the content. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have somehow become a tape recorder just waiting to be rewound and played over and over again.

How do you expect the unexpected?

…..Then how do you deal with it?….

 

2011
02/25
CATEGORY
Reality
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Kittens&HighHeels

For crying out loud.

Apparently my body felt like sabotaging me so I’m all kinds of hormonal, awesome right? So really the only thing that I want from the rest of this evening is a Sex and the City marathon and my body weight in ice cream, preferably something coffee flavored with big chunks of chocolate in it for those of you taking notes. And since we’re going ahead and putting together a “want really bad” list, thigh high black boots would be really nice too. But I don’t really want to talk about my financial woes.

….I find it ironic that as my brain processes how it is I wish to attack my situation in the vaguest terms possible, “Anything, Anything” by Dramarama comes on my iTunes….

So I think its safe to say I’m a pretty average woman. I go to school. I’m unemployed. I drive a second hand car that takes the idea to a whole nother level. I read the news online. I engage heavily in social networking. And I own more shoes then I could carry, even if you provided a large wheelbarrow. Soooo….actually….maybe thats why my personal life is so out of whack. Maybe my life is too average and the crazy cosmos that shoot lighting at crazies feel I need some spice. Hmm….lets go ahead and call that theory number 1.

I’ve noticed people like to  rationalize human behavior to the best of their ability, even if it means that the most rational explanation is really the most insane but since its the only one they’ve got, its by default what they call the most sound. Terrible. Men like to say women need drama in their lives. I don’t think I can recall a time when I heard a woman say a man needs drama in their lives too exactly, but ‘conflict’ is a common word to replace it. Evidently we [we being women here, follow?] need drama. We need our friends to be upset with us for a week, we need the confrontational call, we need our heel to break on the way to work when we’re already running late, we need the jerk to spill the drink on our new dress. Because at the end of the day we have something to cry about to our girlfriends. We have a sympathy card. We have an excuse for someone to be nice to us. Wow.

Please, ladies, tell me we are not that pathetic.

I want to rant about what it is men do but really, I have no idea. Men are a bigger mystery to me then the physics homework I saw some kid working on in the library today. BUT WAIT! Men aren’t supposed to be complicated! Their supposed to be uncomplicated creatures, simple breadwinners, out to win the hearts and souls of women with muscles flexing!

*grunt* *grunt* *grunt*

Isn’t that what they say in that defensive tone? Its not the men that are complicated, its the women over-complicating the situations. Let me go ahead and “lawls” here.

So if these men are so minimalistic, then why in the hell do they say and do things that make about as much sense as throwing kittens into a closet of couture gowns.

You just don’t do it.

I just do not understand. You go all this time thinking you know a man then BANG! they throw you a curve ball. But then they get offended when you’re on guard because you don’t know what to expect so their off all huffy and to humor him you chill out then BANG! he slips you a little something you never saw coming. Of course I didn’t see it coming you told me to not be so paranoid!!!! *sigh*

Like I said, my body is tweeking out on me. However, though that may be a factor in my internet throw-up, it doesn’t change the fact that this is an issue I have been faced with on multiple accounts. Perhaps my girlfriend is right, I should just kick him in the shin with spiky, pointy shoes. It would make me feel better.

http://www.coool-stuff.com/wp-content/uploads/spikey-shoes.jpg

The end.

2011
02/24
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Wrapped in a white ribbon

Needless to say, I fell out of the blog scene pretty hard. And what with everyone having this crazy love affair with tumblr, a concept I just can not grasp, I have decided to step back in my ring here at wordpress.com. It works for me.

So rumor has it, its Valentines Day today. Some refer to it as the day of love, others have a less romantic perspective and declare it a rip off by the card and candy companies. Such perspectives seem to alternate depending on ones relationship status. It doesn’t matter if you were madly in love with someone 364 days ago and were given a huge bouquet of  roses and went to dinner at a quaint restaurant and thought it was the greatest thing ever, if you’re single this year you’re sending anti-valentines day cards and telling all the couples to suck it.

Interesting

Personally, I make a big deal out of it if the person I’m with decides to make it into a production. I’m a sucker for romance and there is no doubt about it, if my man wants to be my Noah I am all for being his Ally.

http://dailymishmash.com/2009/12/

But why everyone feels the need to put so much pressure on each other for 24 hours doesn’t make to much logical sense to me. Its a holiday. According to dictionary.com’s adjective definition of a holiday, it is anything of or pertaining to a festival; festive; joyous. Did you hear that???

SO SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

If you don’t have a hunny to spend today with, whatever, go buy yourself a box of chocolates and watch sappy movies for the rest of the night so at least when you cry from being alone you’ll sleep harder and forget all about it in the morning. Or better yet! Get together with a bunch of friends and something you all find enjoyable instead of tearing yourself down. If you do have a hunny, don’t be a pain in the ass and harp on them for not being the most romantic or grateful person you’ve ever imagined. So what, he didn’t buy you a ring from Tiffany. Maybe next year. So what, she didn’t like her $40 salad and barely touched it. Don’t be mad about it, maybe the dressing is repulsive. Do your homework before you go out. But please, for your own sanity don’t tear yourself up if today isn’t a dream. Honestly I wish everyone kept their agendas to themselves today, I don’t want to hear about your froo-froo nonsense and I don’t want to hear your bitching about someone elses froo-froo day.

<3 Happy Valentines Day <3

2011
02/14
CATEGORY
Relationships
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Now presenting: MelodramaticMartha

Will someone please enlighten me- Since when do we live in an ‘all or nothing’ world, a philosophy that has somehow weaseled its way into all aspects of life?

Because frankly, I don’t like it.

I’m all about making decisions, doing what you feel is right and holding your own accountable. But this whole “take it or leave it” iron cloud has got to find a new valley to hide. I don’t know about you but I’m beginning to miss the sun that once gave life to our souls and brought about new friendships and ideas. Now its all about whose doing what and why their doing it and how just god awful it all is. Goodness gracious!! Calm down everyone! A “me” society should most definitly not be the way of the world but its replacement of a modern version of peeping tom where everyone is in each others business because for some reason they feel its their God given right is not any better.

I’m a fan of Facebook. Social networking is a guilty pleasure each and everyone of us shares, and if you choose to disagree with me, think about where you are right now, a website devoted to sharing everyones inner most thoughts and ideas to any degree in which they choose. Is that not the same as FB to an extent? Yesh. But its come to this strange, twisted entity in which now people who I believed were once homely, humble citizens of the world have become these trival, needy, over expressive individuals who for some reason have been given the impression that telling 100+ people that their going out for a burger or just lost their favorite pencil is relevant. Sweetie, no one cares.

It is yet another example of this “all or nothing” world we live in currently.

‘I can’t have any cake because as soon as I have just one little bite I’ll feel the need to eat the whole thing.’ Seriously? I think once you have come to this you have bigger problems than your cake intake.

‘I don’t ever want to lose you, I want you to be happy, I love you, but because you don’t want to be with me anymore I would rather we never speak again.’ Hmmm super. Thanks. Good to know all those years from friendship and such can be thrown out the window because reality is not a fairy tale.

‘Either you live with me or I’m not paying for your [insert life necessity]‘. Wow, you’re threatening me because I’m unhappy but I still want to go to school? I still need to drive? I need a job? Thanks for reminding me why I wanted to move out in the first place.

Have we as human beings become so needy, so greedy, so self centered that if we can’t have it all we’d rather not have anything at all?

Makes me want to be a kitten.

Seriously. Ever watched a kitten? All they need is food, water, and a couch and they are good to go.

  In a happier note- It rained like crazy today. Is summer officially over? I sure hope so. Cute sweaters for the win :]]]

2010
10/06
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You’re just an Ostrich

Get your head out of the sand

When I graduated high school I knew that no matter how much older the people were that I associated with there would always be bullshit some where. Though there was still a part of me that when I was handed my diploma I would be waking up from a nightmare and really the last 4 years of my life didn’t actually happen. Well it turns out, a fun fact that everyone learns, most people never leave high school mentally.

So here I am sitting in my philosophy class and we’re discussing an article we had to read, standard. The article at hand focuses primarily about politics, war, and human rights. Three things that for the most part I don’t see fitting for a philosophy class but more a political science, a history, any other subject that is far less subjective.

War can be measured. It can be studied. It can be debated, yes, however an answer or an understanding will inevitably come at one point or another. There is nothing subjective, in my opinion, about war. Apparently I’m one in a million.

blogs.chron.com

There isn’t a difference between supporting the war and supporting the troops. If you say you support the troops but you don’t support the war, that doesn’t make any sense. Thats like saying you support doctors but you don’t support those who preform abortions. What they do is relevant entirely. You can’t pick and chose what you decide to “approve” when it comes to something like warfare. A soldier goes there because it is his or her job to be there and follow their orders. Just like its the doctors job to be at the clinic and do what the pacient asks them to do essencially. There is no longer a draft. The men and women who put their lives on the line every day when their in active duty are not there because they were forced by the government. They knew what they were getting themselves into. If they didn’t want to go to Iraq and be a part of the fight then they wouldn’t have signed up. It doesn’t matter if they happen to be on the other side of the wall in the middle of Afghanistan firing a weapon to sieze a home or if their sitting behind a desk in Oklahoma filling paperwork in relation to a gun shipment. They are the men and women of our armed forces no matter how you want to word it.

So when you tell me that all they are are a bunch of brainwashed trigger-happy idiots who have no concept of whats really going in the territories we invade I’m going to have to punch you in the throat because you’re a fucking idiot.

We all have our opinions, our belief systems and morals and all that other trival crap. And thats dandy, whatever helps you sleep at night- but the moment you start thinking that every word that drips out of your vial mouth is accurate no matter what the numbers tell us, I’m not going to put up with it. Theres no reason I should. Just like theres no reason that you should put up with me when I start going off on you on something either you don’t actually care all that much about or you find a flaw in my argument. What would be the point right?

I just wish we were more respectful of each others opinions and thoughts as well as more considerate of where and when we feel the desire to express them.

Theres no need to start drama at every turn you make just because you know you can. Its pathedic and tedious and honestly, exhausting. I don’t know how much everyone in your life means to you, but know that in every pod of people theres always one that will drop you in the blink of an eye for any reason under the sun. Are they worth losing because you were too stupid?

2010
09/22
CATEGORY
Its Hereditary
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Turn me into a Robot

http://media.photobucket.com/image/silhouette/lvndrwmn/Silouette.jpg?o=5

Oh no you’ve caught me.

Oh no theres nothing we can do about it.

Well see ya.

I feel I need to remind each and every one of you yet again that I am in fact a human being. I feel all the basic emotions just as easily as you do. I’m capable of laughing, crying, fighting and loving just like you. Take a second and think about every one you have ever met. Believe it or not they are all human as well, functioning to feel all those same things as you and I because yes sweet heart you are in fact a human as well. Holy cow. What a phenomenon.

So now that that fact has been presented in an idiot proof way can we please move on from all this petty crap? I’d like to think we don’t wake up in the morning thinking “I’m going to fuck someones life up today” because if that were the case I’ve met a lot of awful people. I firmly believe the things we do, not the things we say, make who we are. It’s easy to talk about what we want to do or what we’ve supposedly done, its harder to actually go out and do it right? So he might have all the right things to say that day but the next he’s already forgotten your name and is saying those same words to some other girl. If he can’t prove you’re the world to him, then you’re not and thats just all there is to it.

I’ve heard all the lines, all those clever little words meant to crawl deep under your skin to be lost in your heart long after hes left. Or in my case long after hes engaged to some one else. Haaaa jokes on you girl. I’m sick of being “filler”. Yeah I’ve dated a lot of people, that doesn’t make me a bad person. I didn’t realize not being able to keep someone in your life because you weren’t enough is funny. What with it becoming a joke and all. Thanks guys.

I don’t like letting people in on my problems. I don’t advertise my issues to the world but this- this is killing me every day. I can’t handle it anymore.

How do you convince yourself you’re a good person when everyone you trust steps on you?

How do you convince yourself to take a chance on someone new when so many before them have ruined you?

How do you find a way to force a smile on your face when you see them because you know its the only thing you can do to keep from crying?

How do you know who to trust when so many keep manipulating you, lying to you, cheating you?

I can’t take this anymore.

2010
09/18
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
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Leave Your Cliches at the Door

“You are just so tall!!! And pretty. But so tall! Have you ever thought of modeling?” “Damn girl, you are so tall. We should play a game of ball at the court!” “Why are you wearing those shoes? You’re already taller than all of us as it is.”

When you’re tall people automatically think one if not all of these three things: a) you should model; b) you should play some sort of sport, ie basketball or volleyball; and c) you should be banned from wearing those adorable 5in heels at Aldo because you’re already tall enough. I’m 5’10. 5’11 if I stand up straight but lets not get into that character flaw. Lets make a few things clear. I don’t want to model, I filled out the paperwork for ANTM and cried for a week when I missed the audition but honestly its not where I want to go with my life. I do not possess the hand-eye coordination to play any sports, not even air hockey. And my heart melts when I spot a pair of adorable pumps under $50 and yes ladys and gents I will rock the hell out of them no matter how many bandaids for my toes/heels I’ll go through in the process.

atrl.net

I am soooooo sick of these petty assumptions people make of each other. Obviously the height comments are my pet peeve but there are a million more out there that people are falling victim to. Too tall. Too skinny. Too short. Too fat. Glasses. Ethnicity. Culture. Fashion. Diet. Transportation. Whatever. Can we please erase all those cliques and move on? Theres a part of me that hopes humanity still has room to evolve into a decent batch of citizens. Though it seems as though we’re consciously devolving. Step up to the plate and be a well groomed person, the random hits of tomatoes is worth it, really.

Just because it isn’t the “social norm” to let go of these shitty cliches doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to. Croc’s turned into a trend but that doesn’t mean it was the right choice. You should know just as well as me that its incredibly annoying to get hit with one of those lines you’ve probably heard since elementary school. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then apparently you’ve been living under a blissful rock oblivious to the things being spoken behind your back because trust me dear someone somewhere has said a clique about you at sometime. Yeah yeah I do it too, I know it. And it annoys me every time I do. Immediately after I say it or think it I laugh at how ridiculous I am and quickly find a way to make up for the childishness of it all.

So basically what I’m trying to say is- “Bite me” I’m tired of all this nonsense. I can already visualize the har-har people out there thinking their being clever and commenting about how tall I am or whatever after I post this. Some people throw those retarded lines to people because in some world they got the impression that its funny. Well its not. I’m annoyed just thinking about it.

Shes short. Shes tall. Shes heavier than you. Shes thinner than you. She has an accent. She drives a granny car. She drives a Lexus. Ok whatever. Move on.

Can we please evolve passed these ridiculous statements and decrease our chases of looking like idiots by that much more?

2010
09/08
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For the love of football

It’s preseason.

Well its like mid-preseason but I was kinda late on hearing whats up in the world of football. I know- Shame! Shame! But life so frequently gets in the way of things I actually want to know about and or do that I’m used to being out of the loop.

The New Orleans Saints won their first superbowl EVER this last go around. EVER!!! Not gonna lie, I’m not a Saints fan but when they won I got a little teary eyed because I was just soo freaking happy for them. So jumping forward on the calender, here I am sitting in front of the TV Thursday night glued to what’s going to happen next. Can the Chargers recover? Will San Francisco take the win? Yeah well they did. Then I got to thinking. When a game is scheduled, immediately afterward people place their bets, experts chime in deciding whose more in favor to win and by how much, fans take their sides and wait for the game to start. But still even then, no matter how many people in stands, in their living rooms, in the bar, are yelling for you to win, no matter how many points your in favor for, no matter how much time is left on the clock, the predestined team can lose. And they have. All the time.

Does this not happen with relationships? All the time?

Two people talk about getting together. They get together. The crowd goes wild. Everyone cheers you on, people who have been in serious relationships give you advice on how to stay strong, everyone for the most part prays you’re going to the superbowl of relationships- the wedding. But then other factors come in and you start losing yards you drop the ball you fight you cry. The game ends. You broke up. Everyone goes home, one of you packs your bags and try again another day.

I wonder how our teams  will do this season. Even if my team ends up not making it to their goal I’m still going to yell at that TV for them to run faster, and when they trip I’ll hope that they’ll get ‘em next time. Sometimes all a relationship needs is a little faith. It might not be the best in the world but if its important enough to then it shouldn’t matter how many fumbles they make.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/saints%20superbowl/Dash565/15_superbowl_500x365.jpg?o=25

2010
09/05
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